1. Devour literature, study, speak several languages and still come to the conclusion that the only way you will ever be loved – or even breathe properly – is to capture the attention of a man. An average accountant or nice, sexy surfer will never do, but a domineering and handsome man, like The Captain in “The Sound of Music,” for instance? Now he’s perfection.
2. Land The Captain by first capturing his eye. He’s already seen you in your Lululemons drenched in sweat at YogaWorks with a face almost as bare as your cupboards or possibly before your afternoon iced Yerba Mate at Kéan Coffee on Westcliff.
3. When he does ask you out, take the week off your J-O-B, if you have one, to prepare. If he is truly landable, this date is even worth another withdrawal from your Charles Schwab IRA.
4. Follow this closely: Start that juice cleanse. The Pressed Juicery makes the handiest one, and you can mix and match flavors for around $525. Day three and day six are the best days to do your colonics. If you’ve never had one, they’re not as scary as you’d imagine. Your stomach will become concave, and your hipbones will angle so beautifully – just watch. It will be the best $270 (plus tip) you’ve ever spent.
5. Remember, you are not taking off your clothes, but you’re going to want The Captain to want you more than anything in the world. In that week leading up to the first date, your exercise routine shouldn’t ease up even though you are living on kale juice and lemons. Power through. Every time your blood sugar starts to drop, think about the look on his face when you open your door, or how he’ll place his hand on your waist.
6. Be careful with your hair choices. There is a thin line between looking like a cheap blonde and looking like a natural blonde. It’s not unheard of to spend $650 getting your highlights done in LA, but you must so you don’t walk around as a “blorange” or, just as bad, an over-processed striped mess. Take the day off, make the drive and keep up the mantra, “He’s worth it.” When in doubt, it’s always chic to pull your hair up, out of your face. But no updos or elaborate swirly curls or “big” hair doused in hairspray. This is not Texas. Extensions generally are not a great idea. Those are more for after you’re married and you have more time on your hands. Remember, you never want to appear high-maintenance.
7. Look perfect, but in a nonchalant way. Look put together, but not like a package. Keep the makeup to a minimum, with Serge Lutens smutty black eyeliner or a matte red lip – choose one. You want to make sure he knows you’re malleable deep down inside, even though you put up this “I’m an independent, self-sufficient and worthwhile woman” front.
8. On the first date and all others after, don’t ask too many questions. Let me clarify: Ask him all kinds of questions and listen to him talk, but don’t ever probe into his past. These men have two sides, and you surely don’t want to delve into the one he’s not telling you about. The more you get to know him, the more red flags will fly like a Communist Party parade. This is a good time to become an ostrich.
9. After you’ve taken his breath away, marry him far too quickly and set up house in North Laguna. Your parents won’t mind. They’ll think you’ve succeeded at what they wanted for you: to marry rich.
10. Understand that looks are everything. And money. Looks and money
are everything. You can’t have one without the other.
11. Be good with numbers. This will help with: calorie counting, for food is to be rationed, not enjoyed; calculating the cost of Botox units while sitting in the room with the doctor; and anticipating the ebb and flow of your personal bank account. This account is much, much smaller than his, but it is surely the only one your beautiful frozen face is allowed to fret over.
12. Admit you want The Captain to take care of you. You don’t want to worry about petty things like the Cox cable bill. You don’t want to tell the doctor to stop at one syringe of Voluma when you really need three. You want to take two yoga classes a day, learn how to pull in your floating ribs during Pilates sessions and drive a Mercedes S-Class. You don’t want to look at price tags.
13. Understand he’s also cunning and manipulative and wants something as well. Deep down, you are honest to a fault, and he smells this above the notes of your Creed perfume. He’s already lying to you. Stay sharp. Smile. You paid a fortune for your teeth.
14. Never, under any circumstances, give him a hint of jealousy. It’s not worth your energy, it gives you wrinkles and it changes nothing. Even when you’re in his sports car and pop down the visor on the passenger side and see the mirror was left open. These are territorial marks left by someone he no longer fully cares about. Just keep this in the back of your mind.
15. You’ve done a fantastic job! Sure, you have massive amounts of anxiety. Panic attacks are part of the deal. That’s what psychiatrists are for.
16. Remember, you are not the only woman attracted to The Captain’s charm. He is a “catch” and you have been looking a little stressed and out of sorts lately, haven’t you? If you could, you’d use your running skills and be like Forrest Gump and never turn back. You just have nowhere to run back to. He knows this.
17. Have a beautiful baby and watch yourself change. Realize you’ve made fundamental errors. Everything you thought you were supposed to want pales in the face of this pure love you have for your child.
18. Bad things happen. Brutal things. Things that aren’t supposed to happen in these ZIP codes. Things you can never tell anyone. Put on your sunglasses and keep you mouth shut …
19. Until you can’t anymore.
20. Think of O.J. Simpson. Any time you think, “Surely he won’t …” or “How could he have done … ?” it helps to have a reference point, a real event that happened in our lifetime.
21.Leave. Yes, you’ll have nothing of what you had before. No enviable address. You will no longer be Stella McCartney’s preferred client. It will be better than the alternative. You will be alive. You can make different choices. Better choices.
22. Do not have contact with The Captain. Ever. Ever. No matter what he promises. In some moments you will miss how things “used” to be. You are falling back into old conditioning. Count the days, count the hours, count the minutes if you must.
23. Love yourself. Love yourself? How trite. Every self-help book says this. But you have no idea what it means to love yourself. None. You struggle. You were not taught this skill. So here’s a trick: Find the most beautiful love songs or poems and, instead of attaching the sentiments to a man, direct them to yourself. Never – until now – tell a soul you do this, but it’s a valuable tool.
24. Don’t rush to “love” someone else.
25. Do not diminish where you have been, what you have done and what you have endured. You are a survivor. You are stronger than you think you are.
Need help or know someone who does?
Laura’s House is an Orange County nonprofit dedicated to ending the silence of domestic violence, no matter where it happens.
Call the 24-hour hotline: 866.498.1511 :: laurashouse.org
Powered by WPeMatico